Paradox
by Kailey Hamilton
Summary: "It was selfish for Riza to propose such a thing. But if she didn't make her desires known, just this once, she would regret it all her life. And she had too many regrets already." Royai. Oneshot.


_Notes: God, this one took me over two weeks. I am happy with it, even as I struggle figuring out the ways in which a few years of peace (and growing a little older) would change these two. But I think I did alright. Also, office layout based on my own experiences with high-ranking officers, in case it seems a bit odd._

* * *

 **Paradox**

Against all odds, early mornings were Riza's favorite. The present morning, however, she wanted to be nowhere but in bed.

Most mornings, the world stood still, waiting, wishing for life to start anew. Walking her dog as the sun rose did wonders for her soul, which was often too heavy with the thoughts that assaulted her at night. Morning coffee was the best kind of coffee and it gave her the energy she needed to start her day as she should.

This morning, she was filled to the brink with emotion and for the first time in her life, she doubted her ability to be professional. It all kept playing out in her head, and she'd failed miserably to shut it out. The previous day, Fuhrer Grumman had shown up in Eastern Headquarters unannounced. He'd greeted her briefly, warmly. He'd then proceeded to sit down with Roy and tell him, as he would mention the sunny weather or heavy traffic, that he would be resigning in the following months and _would you do me the honor of carrying on with my legacy?_ and even Roy himself had been too shocked for an immediate response.

None of the implications of that sudden petition were lost on Riza either, but a night out celebrating with the team had temporarily pushed her worries aside. They'd hit her full force once she'd found herself alone again, however, and they'd kept her awake until the break of dawn so the morning had found her restless, hesitant, every movement taking longer than intended. The mirror retuned her a pale face, dark circles around her eyes and a fearful stare she hadn't known she'd been donning. Getting dressed, drinking half of her morning coffee until it got too cold... even going out with an already impatient Black Hayate that could sense something was amiss. It all dragged. It was all postponing the inevitable.

She'd still managed to get to work before everyone else, as she usually did. She liked it best when the Eastern Headquarters were empty and she could do some of her job in peace. Riza had her own office now, which helped her focus on her work, and while it had its own entrance, she'd gotten too used to accessing it from the second door in Roy's office. But this time, Roy was the last person she wanted to risk seeing. He had all the early morning scheduled anyway, meeting each member of the original team separately. So she would surely have more time to prepare for that moment she so dreaded.

So Riza walked into her office, then closed the door behind her, breathing a sigh of relief.

"You're late, Colonel."

The voice startled her. It came from her own chair, with its back facing the door.

"You're early, sir. And you're sitting in my chair."

Roy often teased her for being territorial with her little space. She always pointed out that asking him to knock, or refrain from going in there when she was away, was a matter of common decency. It didn't even bother her that much, but he surely wanted a reaction.

He turned around to face her, and just a glance was enough for him to frown.

"You should've called in sick if you drank too much. I wouldn't have minded."

"Quite bold for you to assume I'd reach such a state over two glasses of champagne."

"Well, you do look terrible."

"Thanks for pointing it out."

Her answer must've been snappier than she'd intended. Roy's expression softened considerably and he got up without more of a fight.

"Is there something bothering you, Colonel?"

"I wasn't able to sleep much last night," she said. "We had quite an eventful day."

"You're getting too soft, if a night without sleep is affecting you this much."

"I fear you might be right. Now, sir, if you don't mind—"

"I was hoping you'd have a minute to spare." No matter how pressing it was, how much time they needed, Roy had never felt the need to schedule a meeting with _her_ and it made some degree of sense. It shouldn't surprise her. But she wasn't ready.

"I'll gladly have a talk in your office, sir." She liked the power of walking out when she so wanted. "But make it quick. You have a meeting with Major Falman in fifteen minutes."

"Of course." There was a hint of amusement in his voice. "Follow me."

She did as told, bracing herself for the conversation she knew inevitable. It was a familiar situation, sitting down in front of him, his desk between them.

"I'll be brief, then," he said. "I know you have found a happy, fulfilling life here at East City, and the last few years have been kind to you. Believe me when I say this is not an easy question to ask." He allowed himself a small pause before asking, "Will you follow me to Central, Colonel Hawkeye? I will need a second in command."

So yes, the moment had come. Her throat was tied up in knots and her stomach was sinking. He always, always asked, even if she'd scolded him for doing so. But this time... this time...

And that was Roy's plan, then. To have Riza still by his side, but not as a protector. So he'd noticed. So he knew. It was something Riza herself had known for years. How could she keep watching Roy's back once he became Fuhrer? As it was now, the situation was barely sustainable. Fear for their common dream far outweighed the fear for her life. And yet, for their plans to work, she had to stay safe. She was safe alright; she counted with the protection of a man who could turn a battalion into ashes with a snap of his fingers. But the Fuhrer couldn't afford risking his life for the person assigned to preserve his. It would be counterproductive.

She'd been held hostage. She'd been harmed in order to get his compliance. She'd been wounded trying to protect him. She'd been baited by his political enemies with promises of a better job. Then there was the rumor, _that rumor_ that had been going around for way too long and strengthened her resolve of not letting her deepest feelings show. How many times had someone, friend or foe, tried to find them doing something questionable? Anything, _anything_ that was ever done to hurt his career involved her somehow, and relied on the impossibility of their situation. A trusted subordinate, always in the frontline, where she was as vulnerable as she was loved.

Nonetheless, Riza allowed herself to consider, seriously consider his proposal. But then she shook her head.

"Thank you, sir, but I must refuse. I'm afraid I haven't held a position of leadership relevant enough that would make such a choice justifiable. I am woefully unprepared to lead a nation, if the situation ever arose."

There was a short silence, and yet, it felt longer than it should have been. Roy's eyes considerably narrowed. That was the moment in which he probably realized that a sleepless night wasn't a cause, but a symptom.

"Is there nothing I can do to persuade you?"

"I'm afraid not. I apologize." He wouldn't answer. The moment had come, and the words came out softly, almost as a whisper. "It pains me to point out that continuing to work under your command, in any way or form, would be a great risk to everything we've worked so hard for."

"I see." His expression hadn't changed, lips tight, eyes squinting slightly. Riza could almost hear the gears in his mind working, trying to figure out what was going through hers. He was surely giving way to the confusion, the turmoil that usually formed inside of him when things didn't go his way. "What will you do, then?"

"I've thought about it, but I haven't decided yet. I only know two things." She breathed deep. Her heart beat so fast, she feared words wouldn't leave her throat. "One of them is that I want to continue to work for the good of this country and its people. We have a goal, and I won't rest until we've achieved it. And the other..."

Her voice broke. If Roy could guess at what she was going to say, if he suspected how much courage she was trying to muster just then, he did a good job in hiding it.

"I'm listening."

"You're always asking me if I'll keep following you, sir. I was thinking... I was thinking I would like to walk beside you, if that offer is still relevant."

It took all her willpower to look at Roy's eyes as she said that. He'd made a proposal seven years prior, a proposal she'd seen herself forced to refuse—or rather, defer. It was almost unfair, how someone could be so right, and the timing so wrong, and often Riza had thought it wrong to give him hope for something that was still years in the future. But it wasn't a false hope, was it? Not when it was already in her plans. Just not _then_. Not when it would do more harm than good. Roy himself knew it was for the best.

Even so, no one was to say this would bring them happiness. She wasn't even certain this could work altogether, and if it didn't... if it didn't, everything would crumble. But should that hold back from trying? Especially when Roy looked at her like that, with those gray eyes shining bright as the meaning behind her words became apparent. So he hadn't been expecting, but he'd surely been _hoping,_ and how did she dare to fear the situation had changed? His feelings for her were evident on his every gesture toward her. His feelings for her, as unrestrained as the limits of decency allowed, were the very reason why her quitting had become a necessity.

It was selfish for Riza to propose such a thing. But if she didn't make her desires known, just this once, she would regret it all her life. And she had too many regrets already.

"Are you sure that this is what you want?"

"Definitely. I must warn you, however, that I might not be as good as I am at my job."

And then he was laughing, staring at her with affection, devotion, all those feelings she knew were boiling just under the surface. Riza would never forget how he looked just then, showing all those things he'd been forced to conceal. She looked away, overwhelmed, unable to hold her own when faced with such a stare, when the sound of his laugh was making her face feel hot.

"So many years, and you still find new ways to surprise me." He leaned back in his chair."I do have to be honest, I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around the fact that you haven't planned ahead properly."

Ah, of course he'd point that out. It gave her the push she needed to look back up and attempt to regain her composure. His hands were both on his desk; they made her all too conscious of her own hands, resting on her lap. She closed them in fists and raised her chin, focusing in that stare that pierced deep through her very soul.

"I'm keeping my options open, sir. I _have_ thought about it, but making any other decisions now would be too rash. You cannot possibly hold it against me, when you were just as surprised by the news as I was."

"I could never hold it against you." Roy spoke softly, a certain sadness marking his voice even as his expression still betrayed him. "If you feel forced to make a difficult choice, I am to blame. I was the one who placed you in an impossible position. And you were... brilliant. Just brilliant. So the least I can do is to ensure that you have a clear path ahead of you, if you would let me."

She couldn't hide the little smirk that tugged on her lips. _All this, just to offer his help. He knows me too well._

"Thank you, sir."

"I should be the one thanking you. All that I am, all that I have achieved, I owe it to you. Don't believe I've forgotten. So thank you, Colonel Hawkeye. Thank you for all these years. And... thank you, for the years to come."

Her chest ached, her breath taken away from her. It must've been plainly written on her face, eyes wide and mouth slightly open and if she didn't know any better, she could swear she was blushing. Only Roy could convey in such short sentences the complex, bittersweet joy she was feeling, and in a way that entirely disarmed her. Her heart both sank and soared, fearing the end of the road but thrilled for the possibilities ahead. It was a kind of new beginning that she'd forgotten how to experience. When had she had the opportunity to start anew? Not that she needed it. But now the weight in her heart was entirely gone, and she knew, she just _knew_ it was the right thing to do.

"If I'd known you could be so humble, sir, I would have done this sooner."

"I have my doubts about that. You very well know I need you by my side, now more than ever. I can think of many people who won't be too happy with these news."

Voices in the hallway made her lose track of her thoughts; whatever answer she could've provided was lost in her foggy mind. The exhaustion was setting in again, now mixed with relief after it was all said and done. She failed to contain a yawn, however small, and she had to bite her tongue not to apologize for it.

"Would you like to take the day off, Colonel?"

"Thank you, but that won't be necessary." She stood up. "I will be in my office if you need me."

Roy wouldn't tell her that not a single soul would knock, not a single phone call would be transferred to her. Roy would let her be, until she lost her fight against coffee and common sense and inevitably fell asleep at some point in the day . What he'd do, well, Roy would laugh at her for a whole week when he quietly opened the door to her office just to find her crashing on top of her paperwork. There had been a time in which Riza would have fought it, fought _him_ with all her might, but experience had taught her to pick her battles.

"Just one more thing before you go, Colonel." Riza nodded once. "How about early dinner tonight? If you're not too tired, I would like to discuss those plans of yours."

She was about to refuse, but Roy's invitation sounded better than cooking in such a state, and it also meant she was getting off work early. Another losing fight, and besides... besides, for once, what did she have to lose?

"Early dinner sounds good. But if you don't mind, I'd rather we talked about my plans here, after you're done with your other meetings. I prefer to keep work and my private life separate."

Roy opened his mouth to protest, probably something or another about them often discussing work-related matters over dinner. But she raised her eyebrows and after a second, the sudden revelation transformed his face. And then whatever Roy had to say was interrupted by a knock on the door.

"That should be Major Falman, sir. You better not make him wait."

Later, she would blame the exhaustion for clouding her judgment. Once she'd gotten a much needed nap, she would reproach herself for being bold and a little reckless. Roy would tell her that night that she truly never ceased to surprise him, and she would confess that sometimes she surprised herself.

But just then, finally in the safety and solitude of her own office, Riza allowed herself a wide smile and the hope that everything would be for the best.


End file.
